Back from Dead

Yippee… I’m back, back from the long depriving months of blogging. At one point in time, I thought I would never ever return to blogging. But, here I am, still alive and very much kicking.

The past few months have been particularly hard and difficult for me. The workplace, the situation I’m in, the heavy responsibilities towards my kids, the dream I have, the vocation I seek, my own personal problems, and the different priorities I’ve set, have not come easy for me.

Sometimes, it is easier to just be ignorant of what’s around you, and to just go with the flow. Life is a better place when you don’t have to worry what’s happening around you or what comes tomorrow. Everyday passes by just like any other days – no surprises, no worries. Because surely, you know there is always a tomorrow and you see it just like any other day.

But, gone are the days when I have everything to think about, everything to be concerned of, dreams I have ever wanted to achieve, and dreams I plan for.

Gone are the days when I was resilient in times of defeat, when I took up the courage to face uncertainty, when I took certain risk to face the unexpected, when I drafted out plans of what I wanted to achieve and be the best of myself.

Which is better now? What happens?

First, I tried to blame my surrounding (SK Bukit Arip – too far, no Internet) for it; Then, I tried to blame people around me for not encouraging me like how I was being encouraged in Australia.

But then I failed. After all these months, I finally realized that I was wrong. All these blames proved pointless. The blame should be on me myself, not on others. I must take whole responsibility of who I am becoming today.

Just because my environment is not like the one in Australia, I should not have blamed on the environment. Instead, I should blame myself for not trying an effort to adapt to this environment now.

Last year, I proved to myself that even in the non-conducive environment of IPBA, I could still persist and retain all A’s. Why can’t I do it now? What has gone wrong now?

Perhaps, it was my tendency to blog when there is internet on. And every weekend when I have internet, I became so lazy to reflect. And, there goes my go-with-the-flow attitude.

Truly, the past few months have been really tough for me. Though you may see me virtually or physically as someone cheerful, easy going and tough, no one knows the internal tussles I am going through – the confusion, the dilemma, the temptations, and the desire.

But tonight, I have decided to do myself a big favour. That is to give myself a chance to stand up once again. One of the things I require in standing up again is to start doing reflection of my own self. And blogging is one way of recording my own reflection.

It’s not going to be easy, but it’s simple. Praise the Lord.