Things are not as they seem

Things are always as they seem; just as you believe and you WHINGE that things do not go the way you want it to be, you never know there's something greater is working inside and around you. As i had personally told Jesus in my prayer during Ignite Conference that i will surrender myself to Him, letting Him taking control of my life, something in which i never thought it would happen happened!

It occured in relation to the Mahsuri play recently: a play in which my cohort (1) and Cohort 2 did as our farewell play. let me bring you guys through the sequel of this event.

Pre-play (sometime in the end of August or early September)
it was announced that we were going to do a play. the story of Mahsuri was selected. Committee members were chosen; and i was chosen to be in charge of lighting. So, i got a role: the lighting guy. Obviously, i was excited.

Pre-play (sometime in the middle of September)
There came a day when Hilmi, the director asked me if i could be the prosecutor for the play. I agreed undecisively. The me at that moment was feeling even happier because i would be part of the play.

Another night came by, and i was down there watching them practising, they suddenly needed a person to act: just for a short period of time. Then, i was told to participate. i thought that this was even more awesome because i was not only going to participate in the play, but also taking two roles in the play. i felt so proud of myself.

Pre-play (one week before the Mahsuri play: 7 Oct)
Those who were going to act or work on prop went to Carseldine for our practice. I was there, up there in the sound and lighting room. Because i had never operated lighting before, i knew nothing about it. Simply nothing. But, David, the sound operator, awesome and experienced guy not only taught me which button for which colour, he told me the history of QUT and how bizzare the lighting board can work: it can work for more than 1000 different lights in just one board. Awesome guy, awesome experience i had on that day.

But, toward the end of the day, i told him (Dave) that on that night, i would ask my fren to help me with the lighting. I guess it was my fault at first for not letting him know, he didn't look very happy yet he was calm. Actually, he was alright with it. However, at that moment, i kept optimistic that i was still going to act.

Pre-play (1 day before the play: 12 Oct)
That day, i wasn't feeling very happy. Arriving at the operator room on top, i saw a lady who turned out to be the manager of the whole system. She obviously ruined the whole thing, saying that Dave was actually paid to teach me bla bla bla; and i turned out not doing lighting on that nite. i went down n asked my friends, expressing all unsatisfaction to them. In the end, i unhappily let go of my roles. In my heart, i was like, how can i let go of my roles? how can i not be part of this play? tis is my own chance. Never will i have the opportunity to seek attention from audience. All i wanted was to seek the attendance from audience. However, i remained in the lighting room, configuring the right console, doing what i was supposed to do. Anas, in the end of the day, said something that i never expected, 'thank you Nicky. you have made your biggest sacrifice this year, giving up your roles'.

The Mahsuri play (13 October)
The day came. The day everyone had been waiting for was right there on that night. We had two rehearsals before the real thing began. Everything went on perfect. Lighting was great, sound system was awesome. All we waited was for the night to come.

After dinner and a short shower, i had myself hidden on top in the room together with David, the lady last night and Justin (not the real name), a guy who was hired by the lady to guide me. But i was given the green light to operate the play.

During the play, there were a few times when Justin told me that my lighting skill was great, giving me a thumb-up. I simply thanked him without taking what he said seriously because the play was not over yet. Every second i was feeling nervous, afraid that i would be making mistakes. There were few times when i was hurrying to get the light off or on too early. Not sure if audience noticed it or not.

The Mahsuri turned out to be awesome. Simply perfect, enjoyable, inspiring and amazing as according to the audience who attended. One of my biggest surprise that night was that the lady whom i didn't like the night before, congrat me and said i did a great job. I smiled at them and said, Thank you. Thank you for everything. i thanked David for all his stories and teachings. He has been such a great bloke. Respect him.

I was happy after the play was over. Feeling happy and content. However, the night was not over until our coordinators have said something. The most surprising moment was then. It was when Hani gave her beautiful speech. She thanked everybody for putting such effort in making this play a success. What struck me was when she announced the director, the prop manager, the actors and actress, and not forgetting me, the lighting guy who had hid from others. Everybody just cheered us. And all of us got a bouquet of flower and a koala bear toy. The night was awesome. Simply the best.

Yet, in my heart, my question to God was still there, why did u sacrifice my role as an actor?

Post-play (15 Oct)
There was a FUEL that night at St.Patrick Church. The theme that night was friendship. Just as i prayed for all the people whom i know, thanking them for being there for me when i was down or even when i was in bad mood, there was this one moment of silence in my heart that my mind is not thinking of anything. It was then when a sentence came into my mind. Remember what you did in Ignite, you want yourself to be surrendered to God, let Him take control of you. And now, it was Him that take control in my life. It made me reflect the time when i was expressing my anger to my friends for not being to give my role to my friend as a lighting person. i was actually attempting to take control of my life. i want my role. i seek for attention. i don't care what others say. i want to be part of the acting.

But, God has a different plan for me. He has a greater plan in store for me: being a lighting person. And, once He has a plan for me, i can never run away from it. He actually used my friends to change me, to make me realize that i can not be part of the role, to make me aware of his plan. To be honest, operating lighting has never been so interesting for me. in fact, after i was told to just operate the light, i found what i was doing very insightful and experiential. I learned, i gained so many things. Things that i never know i would know i would learn if i were just an actor. This also made me realized what God said, he will not give us things that we don't like doing or we cannot do. He knows us well that he knows what is good for us and He want us do it for Him, to build the kingdom of God, not for self-satisfaction or power or fame.

The theme for that night really struck me. God actually used friends around me to make aware of his mighty plan. But we must always be aware of what is good and bad. Because there are temptations or friends around us that will bring us down. We must be careful of this.

Post-play (22nd Oct)
That's today. There's a scripture inside the gospel today that struck me. it struck me in this same matter, made me related how He has worked in me.
Mark 10: 43-45 said that, "...whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Relating this to myself, i realized that to follow Christ journey, to follow Jesus, i come to this earth not be served by people, not asking my desire to be fulfilled; but to serve people, to help people, to accept what's others say, most importantly of all to learn to listen to others. To listen means to listen what's best for me, to listen the truth in others, to listen and evaluate reasons underlying their needs.

~The End~

Thank you Jesus.

peace
everything's peaceful
silence

simple realization

Today, after finishing my presentation on Debra, i realized that it was crap. it didn't go the way i wanted it to be. i felt miserable. it's all because of the nervousness that i felt in my heart that caused my every action to act in such unorganized manner. i don't like it; i hate it; the fact that it is 30% make me felt pressured; and the fact that Debra is such a strict marker made me felt worse than ever.

i don't know how i should feel right now. After having some conversation with my friends just in the bus, asking them what they think of me, i slowly found out what my strengths are and my weaknesses are. people, i mean friends around me said that i am creative, critical, analytical, organized and to my suprise, one of their sentences 'u can teach' made me puzzled and angry. i do admit that creativity and critical dimension could be one of my strengths, but i don't think i am tatttttttt extraordinary. tis few weeks, i have been thinking hard, trying to find out what my strength is, as this strength could be what God has in store for me. Identifying yet at the same time not convinced with it made me felt worthless as i myself do not admit that is what i am capable of.

and, to my surprise, one of my smart friends, Wan (he is really smart i mean). He told me, i don't think u can be a good language teacher (I so admit to tis); but i think u can be a good science and mathematics teacher. because all u have is ideas and knowing how to manipulate ideas. thank u hazwan for saying that. some years ago, science and maths were one of my favorite subjects in school. but due to the laziness that is instilled genetically inside me, my science and maths knowledge were considerably huge yet limited. until today, i can still say that i am interested in these subjects. exploring equation and investigating ways of solving problems are one of my interests, though they always portray to be a problem for me: the problem of being impatient and wanting to find out the connection in problems n solution.

surprisingly, i got my science lesson plan result back today. i got 45/50 for both teaching episode and the written reflection. One of the good comments by the teacher in which i am not convinced and not happy with is 'you are a talent'. my gosh i mean. i don't think what he said is right; i think he's just being nice; i am not convinced of what he said; i am not convinced that i, Nicholas Ling can teach; i am not satisfied with my own performance after comparing myself to the shit presentation i had today. i am just not happy.

But refering to the one thing my friend said a while ago (he didnt know my mark), "i think u can teach science and maths". my respond is i don't know. in another 6 months time, probably i will have finished my study semester in IPBA; and i will be off to school for practicum for 3 months. What am i going to do then? Am i just going to teach English and leave my science and maths? Am i going to be a teacher standing in front of the class teachin from 7am to 1pm, going back sleeping, making lesson plan for the next day, and waiting for tomorrow to come? What should i do with the strengths that i have in me? What about the 5 or 6 years contract? Do i have to finish them all, continuing to be a teacher for the rest of my life? or do i step out from my 'lazy' zone,walking into a journey that i never expect i myself would do?

i guess that's te beauty of life: when u have the ups and the downs in life and u know is u have to keep walking. in another 2 weeks, the result for Debra will be out. i don't think i want to see how i do. but if i don't, arent i running away from my own mistakes? from my own weakness? but what can i do when i realize myself not being able or capable of presenting well. is there any chance that my presentation skill can be improved if i want to make every effort to improve? what if i have made every effort to improve it, but in the end, realizing that i can never ever change in the way i present?

too many questions i have right now. all thanx to the ironic comment and the realization i had today. i don't know what might come my way. but one thing, one goal, one vision i have right now is that my strength in teaching language(s) is weak. Getting myself into the fields of engineering, business, hotel management or even architecture could be one of my alternatives. Anything to do with deep knowledge and deep thinking, i like; but just not language.

i still have a final assignment i need to complete. it's a written analytical and critical assignment; and i am loving it. i am looking forward to finishing it and probably getting my ass into some kind of fruitpicking before i leave this beautiful unforgetable Brisbane.

till then, let's be optimistic about the future and let God reveals himself as well as my strength to me.

i am waiting LORD!!!!

The precious thing in life

Life lately has been busy. But that's not what makes it bad. The worse thing is i am sick: all kinds of sickness, coughing, running nose, headache, and fever. Thought like i am going to die already as i sometimes would crazily think of, but i think my God won't let me go so easily from this earth. i am actually getting better now, after seeing a lovely nurse in my Uni Health Service, and after got a beautiful nag from my mum for not taking a good care of my own health and eating fruit. Padan muka!

Below is a story i read a few years ago. Funny thing is tat each time i want to tell my friends about this story, i will forget some parts of the story. It's a good thing that now Doreen is sending this e-mail to me, at the same time, writing down such a sweet note inside. Here's the story:

A young man learns what's most important in life
from the guy next door.

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old
man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in
the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the
country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush
of his busy life, Jack had little time to think
about the past and often no time to spend with his
wife and son. He was working on his future, and
nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser
died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through his mind like an old
newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood
days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It' s been so long
since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly
thought
he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him
he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about
the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence'
as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser
stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in
your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I
wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him.
He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought
were important...Mom, I'll be there for the
funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the
next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral
was small and uneventful. He had no children of his
own, and most of his relatives had passed
away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his
Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one
more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for
a moment. It was like crossing over into another
dimension, a leap through space and time. The house
was exactly as he remembered. Every step held
memories. Every picture, every piece of
furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on
top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand
times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was the
thing I value most," Jack said. It was gone.
Everything about the house was exactly how Jack
remembered it, except for the box. He figured
someone from the Belser family had taken
it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him,"
Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early
flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died.
Returning home from work one day Jack disc overed a
note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a
package. No one at home. Please stop by the main
post office within the next three days," the note
read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The
small box was old and looked like it had been mailed
a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult
to read, but the return address caught his
attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the
package. There inside was the gold box and an
envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note
inside. "Upon my death, please forward this
box and
its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I
valued most in my life."

A small key was taped to the letter. His heart
racing, as tears filling his eyes,! Jack carefully
unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful
gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over
the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.
Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks
for your time! - Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called
his office and cleared his appointments for the next
two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.
"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take but by the moments that take our breath away,"


Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's
100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so
much that they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in
some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to
anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before
they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting
what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you
trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time,
sooner or later, you will
get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the
world has turned its back
on you, take a look; you most likely turned your
back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists,
loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you
received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them;
you will feel much better when they know and you'll
both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to
let them know that they are great.