simple realization

Today, after finishing my presentation on Debra, i realized that it was crap. it didn't go the way i wanted it to be. i felt miserable. it's all because of the nervousness that i felt in my heart that caused my every action to act in such unorganized manner. i don't like it; i hate it; the fact that it is 30% make me felt pressured; and the fact that Debra is such a strict marker made me felt worse than ever.

i don't know how i should feel right now. After having some conversation with my friends just in the bus, asking them what they think of me, i slowly found out what my strengths are and my weaknesses are. people, i mean friends around me said that i am creative, critical, analytical, organized and to my suprise, one of their sentences 'u can teach' made me puzzled and angry. i do admit that creativity and critical dimension could be one of my strengths, but i don't think i am tatttttttt extraordinary. tis few weeks, i have been thinking hard, trying to find out what my strength is, as this strength could be what God has in store for me. Identifying yet at the same time not convinced with it made me felt worthless as i myself do not admit that is what i am capable of.

and, to my surprise, one of my smart friends, Wan (he is really smart i mean). He told me, i don't think u can be a good language teacher (I so admit to tis); but i think u can be a good science and mathematics teacher. because all u have is ideas and knowing how to manipulate ideas. thank u hazwan for saying that. some years ago, science and maths were one of my favorite subjects in school. but due to the laziness that is instilled genetically inside me, my science and maths knowledge were considerably huge yet limited. until today, i can still say that i am interested in these subjects. exploring equation and investigating ways of solving problems are one of my interests, though they always portray to be a problem for me: the problem of being impatient and wanting to find out the connection in problems n solution.

surprisingly, i got my science lesson plan result back today. i got 45/50 for both teaching episode and the written reflection. One of the good comments by the teacher in which i am not convinced and not happy with is 'you are a talent'. my gosh i mean. i don't think what he said is right; i think he's just being nice; i am not convinced of what he said; i am not convinced that i, Nicholas Ling can teach; i am not satisfied with my own performance after comparing myself to the shit presentation i had today. i am just not happy.

But refering to the one thing my friend said a while ago (he didnt know my mark), "i think u can teach science and maths". my respond is i don't know. in another 6 months time, probably i will have finished my study semester in IPBA; and i will be off to school for practicum for 3 months. What am i going to do then? Am i just going to teach English and leave my science and maths? Am i going to be a teacher standing in front of the class teachin from 7am to 1pm, going back sleeping, making lesson plan for the next day, and waiting for tomorrow to come? What should i do with the strengths that i have in me? What about the 5 or 6 years contract? Do i have to finish them all, continuing to be a teacher for the rest of my life? or do i step out from my 'lazy' zone,walking into a journey that i never expect i myself would do?

i guess that's te beauty of life: when u have the ups and the downs in life and u know is u have to keep walking. in another 2 weeks, the result for Debra will be out. i don't think i want to see how i do. but if i don't, arent i running away from my own mistakes? from my own weakness? but what can i do when i realize myself not being able or capable of presenting well. is there any chance that my presentation skill can be improved if i want to make every effort to improve? what if i have made every effort to improve it, but in the end, realizing that i can never ever change in the way i present?

too many questions i have right now. all thanx to the ironic comment and the realization i had today. i don't know what might come my way. but one thing, one goal, one vision i have right now is that my strength in teaching language(s) is weak. Getting myself into the fields of engineering, business, hotel management or even architecture could be one of my alternatives. Anything to do with deep knowledge and deep thinking, i like; but just not language.

i still have a final assignment i need to complete. it's a written analytical and critical assignment; and i am loving it. i am looking forward to finishing it and probably getting my ass into some kind of fruitpicking before i leave this beautiful unforgetable Brisbane.

till then, let's be optimistic about the future and let God reveals himself as well as my strength to me.

i am waiting LORD!!!!