listen to us, and be heard

(picture courtesy of customersrock)

It is always interesting to listen to what elders have to say. They are the ones who had walked through all sorts of life. I for one like to listen to what they have to say; however that doesn't mean I am taking in what they say. What they said are truthful, honest, and most of the time substantiated with substance. And when they do tell stories to us the young ones, you will see that their words or advices are of certain confidence in them.

However, be it words or advices or simply everyday sharing, I found out that this form of sharing has another effect on the speaker, as well as the listener. It goes more than just sharing information or emotions. Whether you realise it or not, the speaker does impart certain influences on the listener. In other words, besides simply sharing tiny bits of events happening in one's life, there is a tendency that these "experienced" ones are trying to influence you of their ideology, beliefs, and values. Slowly, you will find that these ones will inform or convince you of whether what you did is either 'right' or 'wrong', and sometimes there is no two ways to it.

In the end, you will find that sharing is no longer just having someone listening to you - to simply listen, but there are certain levels of reasoning going on in the conversation, which sometimes may end up with 'right' and 'wrong' of the things you did. And this is exactly why I hate at times.

Have you ever met this kind of people?

Sometimes, all we ask is to be heard and to be listened. We ask you because we think you are the 'experienced' ones who somehow can be our good ears, good listeners. But all you are telling us is that what we think is 'right' or 'wrong'.

Somehow, it is interesting to note that things will not get as complicated if what we and the 'experienced' ones think is of the same bandwidth. But things do tend to get a little out of hand sometimes when people are not thinking of the same bandwidth.

I would believe that it is still OKAY even when people do not think at the same bandwidth, considering both parties at least make an attempt to listen and understand each other's situation. Listen. Listen - to not interrupt in the middle of conversation or have mentally put a judgment on something without even trying to understand. But, that wasn't the case for many 'experienced' ones.

Yet, we need to understand that somehow these 'experienced' ones should be given the credit to judge things or decisions as 'right' or 'wrong' as firstly, they meant well - their willingness to help in the matter, secondly, they have walked through many obstacles - in other words, they eat more salts than us eating rice. And thirdly, these obstacles make them who and how they are today, shaping their view of what life really is as well as the philosophy of life.

If you do look carefully, I have not mentioned the word 'wisdom'. This word is often too big a word, or too big its meaning, that sometimes, the 'experienced' ones always think of themselves being the 'wise' ones. I do believe that even one has walked through all sorts of obstacles or challenges, they have become wiser, one common misunderstanding made by the 'experienced' ones. Many beggars or retirees do have walked through many troubles in life before they can still stand firm or sit where they are today in dark alley or coffee shops. But have they got any wiser?

These are just some extreme examples used to demonstrate the case. But the question remains, should the 'experienced' ones decide for us what's 'right' or 'wrong' of what we have done or will do in the future.

One thing the 'experienced' ones need to understand about us is that though they meant well, they have to admit that our lives is not their lives. Or, this is not their lives. Or, you are not helping me live the way you want it. We are the ones who are living these lives of ours. And most importantly, we come from different social and cultural backgrounds as compared to where you came from last times. The time today is much more challenging than 50 years ago. And we have this globalization that brings in it different vast values, cultures, and beliefs which shapes our views to what life really is.

And what we need is guidance on how to make the right decision, not you attempting to convince us to practise your so-called 'wise' philosophy or beliefs. We look more on alternatives and reasonings and mature discussions than just decisions and 'right' or 'wrong'. We can't learn if you keep telling us what to do, and all you say is 'what you think is actually wrong'.

Who are you to say what I think is 'wrong'? Have you in the first place tried to understand my situation and what I've been through?

I guess in the end, the 'experienced' ones may not be really experienced. They still bring with them a sense of selfishness of what they think or believe is correct, and that's childish.

Wisdom grows with experience and reflection, but experience alone does not grow with wisdom.

(picture courtesy of Microsoft)

And I pray, Lord, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.

ps: would like to thank my parents all these while for being so understanding and open-minded. And I think being able to engage in a non-judgmental discussion will always be a win-win situation.