let it go

I once read, when you are down to nothing, God is up to something. How do we know when God is up to something? How do we know if it’s God’s work?

Last Monday, I received a bad news from PPDK Selangau. My application for transfer was rejected. I got utterly frustrated. The only reason given was ‘Belum cukup tempoh’. To me, this excuse was rubbish. It simply showed how unwilling they are in dealing with transfer matter. Completely unprofessional. That day and the following days turned out to be horrible for me.

Friends and colleagues suggested me to go face-to-face with the PPDK’s boss. I saw that as a reasonable thing to do, so I took their advice and called him up the next morning, but was not successful. He was not in until Wednesday.

Not wanting to give up hopes and chances, I told myself to try again tomorrow. In my mind, I was determined to negotiate my issues and get my appeal approved. All I ever wanted was to win this and get out from here.

Somehow that evening, as I sat down feeling still a little depressed with the rejection, something unexpected happened. While many things and grudge were still running in my mind, something else tried to knock softly. This something was trying to ask me to sit still and calm down. I did exactly so.

When I was finally calm, I started to say a little prayer. Then I began to reevaluate the whole thing about getting transfer and the intention behind transferring.

New light started to shine upon me as I tore down my wall of stubbornness to see what’s really good for me. It brought me back to my first intention of leaving which is to leave as every one else is planning on moving. Has it not because of them leaving, I won’t even be thinking of getting transfer. To leave based on that is not right because I am only running away from my problem.

Every once in a while, new people come and go, and there’s good in everyone who has come and go. If I can change my mind to think like that, I can go anywhere and live comfortably with everyone and do good to them. It’s part of life that we meet new people and network with the olds.

Hence, I have decided to stay. Yet, there are other reasons why I am staying put which I am not going to pen here.

Though I stopped thinking of going for an appeal, I don’t like to think of myself giving up or not wanting to take chances. I think it goes beyond all those. This time I let it go.

I think sometimes, behind all my struggles and determined spirits to get everything I want, there is something more important God wants me to have. I might not have everything I want, I have everything I need. Though I may not have seen its full goodness yet, hopefully one day I will.

He is always knocking on the door of my heart, but many times, I am too stubborn and lazy to listen to him. This time I have made my decision. And I hope I did the right thing, and shall have no regret looking back on it next time.